Music is the Soundtrack to my Life

Music has always been a major part of my life. This is something that I will revisit in future blogs but for now, I will leave a video that I have made explaining some of my feelings on the subject. Enjoy!

I want to live life!

I want to live life. Not to just exist, but to live life fully. As dreamy and zen-like as that statement may be, I find myself repeating it over and over in my head. I have repeated those words so much that it's almost become a mantra. It would seem that if I have this reoccurring theme often enough, it should warrant real estate on my bathroom mirror. It also should warrant positive forward-thinking action. The reality is this is well underway as I watch stagnant behaviour from my past slip into distant memories and life-fulfilling adventures fill my senses.

I find myself with an extreme overflow of thoughts and emotions on the heels of a recent getaway in Northern Ontario, visiting the peace and tranquillity of Manitoulin Island. Nowhere in my core belief do I feel I have denied myself any steps taken towards my ultimate goal of living a full and exciting life. In fact, this current euphoria is the exact emotion or feeling I am looking to invoke in myself. I am filled with the gratitude that I have achieved everything that I feel is necessary to achieve what I set out to do. 

As fulfilling as my current mood is I have to be very aware of the fact that my purpose in life does not end with a singular getaway, on the contrary. I am very conscious of the fact that my current state of intoxication is a piece of the puzzle, albeit a very important one. I have to remind myself that I must join my adventures together to be successful at creating my life, otherwise I will find myself slipping into the doldrums of day to day life. I will be unique in my suffering, just like everybody else.

It is worth noting that I am writing this as I venture down a path of rediscovering myself. That I am completely aware of the fact that as a young man I embraced every molecule that life had to offer. Additionally, I am cognitive of the fact that some point in my life I fell into a void, a deep dark ugly void. My focus will not be on that dark period in my life, where I held myself in a holding pattern. More triumphantly I want my focus to be placed on my rise from that self-imposed darkness and my ability to embrace positive change. I shake my head in disbelief that we can create a black hole in our lifeline but I have chosen to look past that and make up for lost time by a craving to live life, today.


The transformation into living a full life does not happen overnight, it happens with making a choice, a choice to draw a line in the sand and refuse to accept nothing but a full and rewarding life. One of the pitfalls of living in darkness is if given enough power it can become a hungry monster wanting to keep you in the clutch of its darkness. It doesn't end there as it chooses you as it's agent of darkness to recruit others. The key to breaking the cycle of darkness is to refuse to participate, to choose light. That's where my epiphany comes in.

I'm King of the World (Cup and Saucer, Manitoulin Island)

     
It would only be fair to be clear to myself, and perhaps anybody reading this, what my interpretation of living a full life would be. First and foremost I believe that I must be free and clear of stress, that I adamantly am at peace with myself. This will be paramount in advancing, and a must-have foundation to build on. As I move past that I must be curious. This will be one of the most important character traits to open doors to that full life. Once I'm curious doors will appear where they never were before. As part of my toolbox of character traits, I must include gratitude, love, intelligence, growth and self-care. I truly believe that if I create the desire, then follow through with enhancing these character traits, I will be well on my way to living that full life.

I don't belong here - Wanderlust with Roots

I don't belong here. That's a very odd statement to make considering this is my home. A place for decades I have chosen to plant my roots. If I am honest with myself I would say that I have felt this way for some time. Maturity has a way of making you see things much more clearly or perhaps with less time to put off the inevitable quest for happiness. If I had to sum up my feelings it would probably come down to just that: I am in search of happiness and I'm questioning if that is here.

I have called Barrie my home for a long time. It all started when I was a very young man and didn't have much of a choice in where I lived. Even at that very young age, I felt restless and in search of what lay beyond the next bend in the road. I have always been curious and content with not needing to feel the security of finding my place to call home. As most young adults growing up in Barrie, in the 70's, I fantasized about how life would be so much more exciting elsewhere and I took advantage of all that life had to offer. I lived in the bustling metropolis of Toronto taking a timeout to move to the west coast and live in Vancouver briefly, finally returning to Barrie to call it home and raise a family. It was an idyllic scenario being a part of the fabric of this city as I grew my family and grew into the person I had witnessed in my dreams. As fate would have it all those dreams took a sharp turn in the road and life changed drastically which is a topic for a detailed story in its own right on another day.

With the help of time, I embraced the task of rebuilding my life. On a few occasions, I chose to throw caution to the wind and follow my heart. Inevitably, those choices turned out to be less than favourable and actually created fear and ambivalence, not very conducive to living a full life. Out of the ashes came a very cautious man but inside there still burnt an ember of curiosity and wanderlust. Although some of the changes I have found myself going through have been to make me a better person the one change I feel growing inside me is a return to who I was as a young man, a person I greatly missed for a long time. That man was fearless, curious, kind, generous, loving, caring, open, thirsty for knowledge, loyal, interesting, dedicated, passionate, and in possession of traits, I find admirable in a human being. I can feel that person emerging and with it, I can feel the excitement of introducing my memory of my younger self to my current older and wiser self.

As I search deep inside to understand the changes that are taking place, I find myself continually returning to that sense of disconnection. That feeling that I do not belong here. Previously, while in self-preservation mode, I habitually froze. I never wandered very far from home and created a very small world, one that was safe and manageable. That world has grown larger as I branch out on what has been termed as "Epic Adventures". During my time away, on these adventures, I have felt all the good parts I knew I possessed return. The one exception being; I feel I belong in those places I visit. Perhaps being away has a certain allure that can make a persons mind lofty, or perhaps there is a connection that can't be explained only felt. Either way, it creates very elaborate topics for thought in my head.

My recollection over the past few years has been that I feel the most comfortable connection with nature. As much as being social and feeling the vibe of a bustling city is exciting nothing can compare to feeling content and relaxed. I do have to take into consideration factors in my life that would lead me to have feelings of epic proportions towards nature. Previous failures that resulted in excess stress and tension which would obviously be alleviated living a much more simpler life come to mind. I have felt a stronger pull recently, putting into question life and how odd it can be that I feel such a strong connection like I have been there before, deja vu as it were.  Most recently I had the pleasure of being away on an island that is proud of its ability to keep progress at bay. I had an overwhelming feeling of how they have things right, that this is how life should be. All of the questions and topics relating to the downfall of society I have participated in seemed unnecessary as I found a place where none of that was an issue.

My most recent adventure has fueled my desire for what life would be like over that hill, around that bend or where the sun has set for its final daily resting place. I find myself lost when I am back home filled with more questions than answers. Feeling an attraction to a place that never belonged to me in the first place, where I never planted roots seems unusual, yet comforting. Moving forward I will have to deeply question if the peace I am looking for comes from inside myself or in a place I have yet to experience.