I don't belong here - Wanderlust with Roots

I don't belong here. That's a very odd statement to make considering this is my home. A place for decades I have chosen to plant my roots. If I am honest with myself I would say that I have felt this way for some time. Maturity has a way of making you see things much more clearly or perhaps with less time to put off the inevitable quest for happiness. If I had to sum up my feelings it would probably come down to just that: I am in search of happiness and I'm questioning if that is here.

I have called Barrie my home for a long time. It all started when I was a very young man and didn't have much of a choice in where I lived. Even at that very young age, I felt restless and in search of what lay beyond the next bend in the road. I have always been curious and content with not needing to feel the security of finding my place to call home. As most young adults growing up in Barrie, in the 70's, I fantasized about how life would be so much more exciting elsewhere and I took advantage of all that life had to offer. I lived in the bustling metropolis of Toronto taking a timeout to move to the west coast and live in Vancouver briefly, finally returning to Barrie to call it home and raise a family. It was an idyllic scenario being a part of the fabric of this city as I grew my family and grew into the person I had witnessed in my dreams. As fate would have it all those dreams took a sharp turn in the road and life changed drastically which is a topic for a detailed story in its own right on another day.

With the help of time, I embraced the task of rebuilding my life. On a few occasions, I chose to throw caution to the wind and follow my heart. Inevitably, those choices turned out to be less than favourable and actually created fear and ambivalence, not very conducive to living a full life. Out of the ashes came a very cautious man but inside there still burnt an ember of curiosity and wanderlust. Although some of the changes I have found myself going through have been to make me a better person the one change I feel growing inside me is a return to who I was as a young man, a person I greatly missed for a long time. That man was fearless, curious, kind, generous, loving, caring, open, thirsty for knowledge, loyal, interesting, dedicated, passionate, and in possession of traits, I find admirable in a human being. I can feel that person emerging and with it, I can feel the excitement of introducing my memory of my younger self to my current older and wiser self.

As I search deep inside to understand the changes that are taking place, I find myself continually returning to that sense of disconnection. That feeling that I do not belong here. Previously, while in self-preservation mode, I habitually froze. I never wandered very far from home and created a very small world, one that was safe and manageable. That world has grown larger as I branch out on what has been termed as "Epic Adventures". During my time away, on these adventures, I have felt all the good parts I knew I possessed return. The one exception being; I feel I belong in those places I visit. Perhaps being away has a certain allure that can make a persons mind lofty, or perhaps there is a connection that can't be explained only felt. Either way, it creates very elaborate topics for thought in my head.

My recollection over the past few years has been that I feel the most comfortable connection with nature. As much as being social and feeling the vibe of a bustling city is exciting nothing can compare to feeling content and relaxed. I do have to take into consideration factors in my life that would lead me to have feelings of epic proportions towards nature. Previous failures that resulted in excess stress and tension which would obviously be alleviated living a much more simpler life come to mind. I have felt a stronger pull recently, putting into question life and how odd it can be that I feel such a strong connection like I have been there before, deja vu as it were.  Most recently I had the pleasure of being away on an island that is proud of its ability to keep progress at bay. I had an overwhelming feeling of how they have things right, that this is how life should be. All of the questions and topics relating to the downfall of society I have participated in seemed unnecessary as I found a place where none of that was an issue.

My most recent adventure has fueled my desire for what life would be like over that hill, around that bend or where the sun has set for its final daily resting place. I find myself lost when I am back home filled with more questions than answers. Feeling an attraction to a place that never belonged to me in the first place, where I never planted roots seems unusual, yet comforting. Moving forward I will have to deeply question if the peace I am looking for comes from inside myself or in a place I have yet to experience.